


Remember (Everything You Can't Control)

by ArianneMaya



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Dom/sub, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-22
Updated: 2012-10-22
Packaged: 2017-11-16 20:55:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/543722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArianneMaya/pseuds/ArianneMaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Adam can’t stop remembering a time when Brian was the first guy Adam went to his knees for, the first guy to take Adam apart.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember (Everything You Can't Control)

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** This is a fictional depiction of real people. It never happened, and will never happen.  
>  **Pre/beta-readers:** @leela_cat, @glamhalo, @AngelStardustx  
>  **Notes:** AU where a lot of canon happened as we know it, but where Adam and Sauli never met. Any mess-up of the timeline you might notice was done on purpose, in order to make it fit with the story. 
> 
> Many, many thanks to Leela for fixing my English, my run-on sentences as well as the suggestions that made this story a whole lot better than it would have been without her magic touch. I have no idea what I’d do without her. ♥
> 
> Any remaining mistakes are mine. 
> 
> And just as many thanks to glamhalo and AngelStardustx for cheering me on and always being there when I needed someone to talk things through. This story probably wouldn’t exist without their patience and their enthusiasm. 
> 
> Title was inspired by the Evanescence’s song, What You Want.

Fans all around are screaming at Adam to take off his jacket. He makes excuses about ruining his look until he hears Brian’s voice, coming clearly through the screams. “Just take it off.” 

Adam acts annoyed to hide his smile, then he realizes what, exactly, he just did. That he didn’t even consider taking off his jacket until Brian told him to.

“It works every time.”Adam barely hears Brian’s words over the sound of screaming fans as he takes off his jacket. The easy banter isn’t enough to throw him off his game, and if his smile tightens just a little, isn’t as bright as it was a second ago, no one in this room knows Adam well enough to realize it. 

Well, one person does, but Brian isn’t paying attention to that kind of detail now, and the last thing Adam wants is to give him a reason to. He throws himself into the next song, switches his focus until he stops wondering. By the end of the show, Adam is still the only one aware how off balance he feels. 

He needs to keep things that way. 

***

“Are you okay?” Brian’s voice startles Adam out of his thoughts. They’re playing Jimmy Kimmel tonight, and while the rehearsal wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t that bad either. As soon as he could, Adam retreated to his dressing room to try and settle before the performance tonight, hoping it would be enough to prevent anyone from realizing how out of sort he is. He just wasn’t fast enough. 

“I’m fine.” As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Adam regrets them. While he doesn’t want to have to explain why he’s acting this way, he also didn’t mean to give Brian an automatic reply. He knows Brian wouldn’t ask if he didn’t mean it.

There’s a little twist to Brian’s mouth as he closes the door and walks to stand behind Adam’s chair. Not quite a smile, but not that far from one. “Liar.”

Adam shrugs, looks at Brian in the mirror. “I will be.”

“You’ve been acting weird around me. Did I do something wrong?”

For one second, Adam is thrown back to the iHeart concert, two nights ago, in a way he can’t explain. It’s too easy to do as Brian says, to stop thinking and get back to the little safe place Adam remembers, and that concert was a painful reminder of that fact. 

“Not really.” Adam can’t say more, all too aware that words will come tumbling out if he does. 

Brian puts his hands on Adam’s shoulders. “Come on, Adam. Are you gonna tell me what’s eating you up? Or do I have to spank it out of you?”

The hint of a smile at the corner of Brian lips, his playful tone of voice says it’s nothing. Three days ago, it would have been a joke. With anybody else, Adam would laugh it off. As things stand, he can’t stop his sharp intake of breath, the way his whole body goes rigid. 

Adam isn’t desperate. He should be able to get out of this conversation unscathed; he would, if it was with anybody else. With Brian, though, it’s never that simple. Adam can’t stop remembering a time when Brian was the first guy Adam went to his knees for, the first guy to take Adam apart. 

“Seriously?” Brian sounds incredulous, and Adam has one last chance to set things right again, to laugh it off and put it behind them. He doesn’t. 

Adam doesn’t reply, and Brian asks, “How long?”

Watching his last chance to avoid the conversation disappear, Adam sighs. “How long what?”

“How long since you’ve had anyone to give you what you need?” 

This, here, is the only reminder Adam needs. The concern in Brian’s voice is all too real, along with the way Brian tightens his grip on Adam’s shoulders. It would be so easy to let go. Too easy. 

Adam has to think about it before he realizes that, if he wants it that bad, it means, “Too long.” 

“You should have told me.” 

Shaking his head, Adam says, “I had no reason to.” The last thing he wants is for Brian to be aware of how vulnerable Adam feels around him. 

“Adam,” Brian says, tone sharp enough that it hits Adam just right, and Adam closes his fists, nails marking his hands with little crescents. He watches as Brian takes a deep breath, and when Brian continues, they’re back on even ground. “We already talked about it. You should have said something.”

“Why? We’re not going back there.” Adam is only stating a fact, and he’s sure he’s imagining the hurt he spies on Brian’s face. It disappears before he can wonder.

“I would have been more careful,” Brian starts, but Adam interrupts him, shrugging Brian’s hands off his shoulders. 

“More careful of what? You haven’t done anything except be who you are. That’s why I needed you in my band, and why I asked you to help me. You’re one of the few who could handle this music, and I know I can rely on you if I need to.”

Adam means how Brian’s been handling the band, how Adam knows he doesn’t need to be at every rehearsal when his schedule doesn’t allow him to. How Adam can still breathe. How he knows that everything will be as perfect as if he, himself, were there to oversee every detail, because Brian can be just as much of a perfectionist. Adam knows that if he isn’t there, Brian will take charge. 

However, Adam’s words bring them back to a time where Brian’s reach went a lot farther than just Adam’s music. To the time when Adam realized that he often didn’t know how to stop himself and just kept going, even if it was too much for his body, too much for his mind, unless someone forcefully pulled him back. It shows in Brian’s voice, in the way he hesitates before asking, “What started it? What made you remember?”

It takes Adam a few seconds to try and find an explanation before he chooses to go with the truth, “The iHeart concert. I wasn’t even thinking of taking off that fucking jacket until you jumped in.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

Adam laughs. Of course Brian did. After one too many comments on how Adam’s stage banter was stilted, Adam agreed to let Brian jump in when he felt like it. Being thrown off his prepared text wasn’t a bad thing, but Adam hadn’t expected the way it would make him feel. He smiles, looks up at Brian, “Yes, you did. I’m pretty sure you had no idea how off balance it would throw me, though.”

Adam is still laughing a little, and that’s enough to get a smile out of Brian. “That was the point, but… not like that.”

“I know,” Adam whispers, serious again. Neither of them dare to try and push the other out of his comfort zone. Not anymore.

The silence lasts a moment too long before Brian asks, “Are you gonna be okay?”

“I told you I’m fine.”

Brian shakes his head. “Adam, you know what I mean.”

Adam shrugs. He doesn’t know how good he will be. This is just another round of promo, and the pressure isn’t as bad, isn’t as intense as a full-fledged tour. It’s nothing he can’t handle. That’s what he should say, but what comes out is, “What’s frustrating is seeing something dangled in front of my nose and knowing I can’t have it. For the rest, I’m good.”

“You’re the one who said we weren’t going back there, Adam,” Brian reminds him.

Adam grits his teeth against the way Brian keeps using his name. Even though Brian is careful not to slip too far, not even in his tone of voice, old habits die hard. The last thing Adam needs is to be tempted by something he knows can’t be good for him. 

“And you agreed.” Adam stands, his whole body rigid. This conversation has already gone a lot farther than he’s comfortable with. He turns around, facing Brian, and crosses his arms. He’s done. 

Brian looks at Adam and takes a step back. “I’m… it doesn’t matter if you believe it or not, I’m worried about you. I don’t wanna see you burn yourself out if I can do something to prevent it.”

“You can’t,” Adam snaps. He won’t let himself think about the possibility.

Brian nods and backs off toward the door. “If you’re sure of that…”

“Yes. I’m sure.”

It’s a lie; they both know it. But they’re not at a point where Brian would feel secure enough to force the truth out of Adam, and Adam is grateful for that. He’s already had his heart badly broken once. He won’t risk it happening again. 

***

By the time they hit the stage for Jimmy Kimmel, Adam feels grounded again, enough that no one who doesn’t really know him can tell something is wrong. It’s only once he’s off the stage and on his way home that everything hits him. 

A shot of patron tequila doesn’t do anything to help even as it burns down his throat and settles in his stomach. A second one and the heat seeps outward, coursing through his veins as he sits on his couch, presses the cold glass against his forehead for a second before pouring a third shot.

He forces himself to put the glass and the bottle on the table before he’s tempted to drink himself into a stupor. It won’t help. All drinking will get him is a hangover and the same uncomfortable truths to face, again, tomorrow morning.

From where he is, Adam can see the chair where he sat a couple of months ago. He remembers the exact moment when he asked Brian for his help. He honestly thought it would be easier. 

***

_Adam waits as Brian listens, fingers tapping an impatient rhythm on the table. He’s proud of his album, proud of all the work he’s done, but it doesn’t stop him from getting nervous whenever he makes someone whose opinion matters to him listen to his music._

_When Brian finally takes off the headphones, he’s smiling and laughing a little. “You have some good shit on that album, man.”_

_Adam can’t help but smile as he tries to tamp down a little burst of pride. It’s not just satisfaction at knowing somebody else thinks Trespassing is good; it’s that special feeling that always came from Brian’s kind words, or praise. Adam does his best to ignore it._

_“I know,” is all he dares to say._

_“So,” Brian asks after a few seconds of silence, “you didn’t invite me here just to make me listen, did you? Not that I’m unhappy you did, but… we haven’t talked in months. That phone call was a surprise.”_

_“You’re right. From a professional point of view, what do you think of the songs?”_

_Brian puts the headphones back and starts listening again. “They’re mostly backing track material. With all the improvisation you do, you need a live band. Some of these songs have to be seriously tweaked before that’s possible.”_

_Adam smiles. This, right here, is exactly why he called Brian. “But it can be done. Right?”_

_Brow furrowed, Brian nods. “Yes. Not saying it would be easy, but yes.”_

_When he takes off the headphones again, Adam says, “Here’s the thing. I don’t have a musical director. I probably don’t have a keyboardist, either. I need someone who can do arrangements for the songs and handle the band when I can’t be there. I already have a good idea of what I want, but I can’t figure this out alone.” He takes a deep breath and, before he can change his mind, asks, “Can you help me?”_

_“Are you serious?”_

_“That’s the reason I called you,” Adam admits. “If you think you can do it…”_

_It takes seconds for Brian to start listening again, Adam jubilant as he watches Brian. This time it’s Brian’s fingers tapping a rhythm on the table, looking down as he focuses. That’s enough to reassure Adam that Brian will say yes._

_He waits until Brian looks at him again. “So? What do you say?”_

_Instead of the enthusiastic yes he was hoping for, Adam gets a cautious, “Maybe. You remember how I work, right?”_

_Taken aback, Adam asks, “Why would that be a problem?”_

_Brian laughs a little, but his eyes stay serious, “Because you’re such a control freak? I’d need a bit of freedom for this to work. If you’re not ready to listen to my suggestions…”_

_“That’s why I’m asking you. I can’t do this alone, and you know how to handle me. Or did you forget that?” Adam knows he’s treading on thin ice, but he can’t help himself. They need to talk about their past, if they want this to work, if he wants Brian to say yes._

_“How could I forget?” Brian looks at Adam like he can see right through him, and Adam forces himself not to look away. “That’s what I meant. I don’t wanna overstep, but if you want the show to work…”_

_“Believe me, I thought about it a lot before I asked you,” Adam interrupts him. “I need your help. You’re one talented fucker,” Brian snorts at that, and Adam laughs a little as well, “and I need the kind of miracles you can create. We work well together. We always did.”_

_Brian nods. He can’t argue with that, Adam knows, but he doesn’t reply._

_Adam sighs. “Come on, Brian, you love that kind of challenge, and I’m more than ready to give you enough leeway to do your job. How hard am I gonna have to work to convince you?”_

_“What you’re offering is really fucking tempting,” Brian admits after a few more seconds of silence. “You know why I’m hesitating.”_

_Adam knows it all too well, but he still says, “It’s been long enough that we can be friends again, can’t we?”_

_He honestly believes it. The years during which they were barely aware of each other’s existence have made the old connection disappear, or at least fade to a bearable ache. Always present, never forgotten, but something they can both live with._

_Finally, Brian gives Adam a tentative smile. “If you think you’re comfortable with it. I know it might be a little strange for me.”_

_Just like that, Adam understands he’s not the only one who’s worried at the idea of working together. Somehow, that reassures him. “I’m ready to,” Adam swallows down the word submit because, fuck, they are not going back there, “do whatever it takes for the show to be amazing. That includes letting you have the space you need.”_

_From Brian’s smile, Adam guesses he’s ready to agree, but instead Brian asks, “Think we’ll manage to keep it to the stage this time?”_

_“We have to.” Adam’s tone is a little sharper than he meant it to be, but he doesn’t care. “Remember how it exploded in our faces? I won’t risk getting in an even bigger mess.” He grits his teeth against the reminder of how badly Brian hurt him the last time around, how those scars still hurt after so many years if he lets himself remember._

_“You’re right. But I’m gonna ask you something. If you need me to back off, you have to tell me. You know me, man. If you let me take over, I will. I promise to be careful, but you have to tell me if it gets to be too much.”_

_It’s easy for Adam to answer with a smile, easy to shake his head like he really believes it when he says, “I will if I need to. But we’ll be okay. You know we’re amazing when we work together. Will you help me?”_

_He finally gets what he was hoping for, what he’s been expecting since he called Brian, “I’m not available as a keyboardist until April. For the rest? Yes, I’ll do it.”_

_This time Adam’s smile is real when he asks, “What are you thinking of?” and they start really talking, reassuring Adam that together, they can do this._

***

Adam sighs. The incident at the concert, two days ago, would have been just a memory that he pushed to the back of his mind where it wouldn’t bother him. But Brian had to ask, had to throw the door wide open and Adam can’t bring himself to close it. 

_You’re the one who said we weren’t going back there._ Brian’s words play on a loop in Adam’s mind, no matter how hard he tries to forget them. He would have to be blind not to understand the offer hiding behind them, or the fact that he’s not the only one who wishes they could erase some of their past and start over. 

Laying his head on the back of the couch, Adam chases away the memories of how good things once were, how easy they could be again. He clings instead to how painful it was when things went wrong and swears that he won’t be hurt like that again. 

***

Adam tries to forget the whole conversation, and everything it brought to the surface, but it’s there constantly, brewing in his thoughts and making him want to scream. Suddenly the way he’s been acting around Brian makes sense in a way he can’t avoid anymore, as he realizes that what happened at the iHeart concert was just the one incident that he couldn’t ignore. Puzzle pieces fit together in his mind as he understands that was just one more example of the way he can’t stop himself from acting, falling into the old habit of doing what Brian says, without even thinking about it.

They go through rehearsals in order to get ready for the handful of radio shows they’ve got coming up, but everything keeps bringing him back to that day and the offer behind Brian’s words. 

It would be so much easier if he could blame Brian, but Adam’s aware that he’s the one who opened the door when he admitted how long he’s gone without submitting, how working with Brian makes him feel like he’s being tempted by something he can’t have. 

Somehow, what’s throwing Adam off-balance is the way Brian backs off, leaving him with so much space to breathe that he can’t help but wonder if he imagined the whole thing. They’re back to the way things were before the iHeart concert, an easy mix of friendship and working together that works for both of them. 

So much that when Adam realizes that, maybe, even the fear of getting his heart broken isn’t stopping him from wanting more than he has, it takes him days to find an opportunity to say anything. In the end, it’s thanks to Ashley, who interrupts a morning rehearsal by saying, “If you want us up at ass-o’clock, we need a coffee break. Tommy’s gonna fall over if he doesn’t get his caffeine IV.”

Adam laughs as Tommy protests, and Ashley sticks her tongue out at him. Those two have been acting like siblings ever since they started working together, and from the corner of his eye, he can see Brian shaking his head at their antics. 

“All right. Let’s take fifteen.” That gets Ashley herding everybody else out, after asking both Adam and Brian what they want. 

Brian pointing out that they could get their own coffee has Keisha mocking, “But how are we going to talk behind the bosses’ back if they’re there? We’ll be back in a few.”

There is laughter and jokes as the door closes behind them, and Adam smiles, once again feeling like he made some good choices. Everyone is becoming fast friends, which will make everything a lot easier. 

He turns around just as Brian steps from behind his keys and asks, “What do you think?”

“It’s not perfect yet, but. We’re doing good.” Adam shrugs and sits on the platform where they set up the keys, looking up when he hears Brian chuckle. “What?”

“Maybe not perfect, but we’ve reached the point where you’re the only one who’d notice it’s not perfect.” Brian sits beside Adam, pointing at the rest of the instruments. “We’re ready. You trust me on that, right?”

“Yes, I do.” Silence settles between them, but Adam refuses to let it get too heavy. “I just want this show to be… the best it can be, really.”

“I know that.” Without even looking at him, Adam can hear the smile in Brian’s voice, the affection there when he says, “Control freak.”

Adam snorts and finally turns to face Brian, “Like you didn’t know that already.”

“You’re right.” 

Adam is glad for the make-up that hides the way Brian’s words, the respect he can hear, makes him blush. There was a time when Brian wouldn’t have stopped there, and it’s easy for Adam to hear everything Brian didn’t say. 

Turning his head toward the door to make sure the others aren’t coming back, Adam says, “I meant to ask. What you said the other day. Were you serious?”

“You’re gonna have to be more specific if you want me to understand,” Brian says. Just from his tone, Adam knows that it’s not so much that Brian doesn’t understand; it’s that he wants to hear Adam say it. Wants to make sure they’re on the same wavelength.

“Right before Kimmel. Was that an offer?” Adam forces the words out before he chickens out, before he reminds himself of every good reason he has not to do this. 

Slowly, Brian nods. “Yes, it was. I know I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry. I was out of line.”

“What if I say you weren’t?” Adam asks, as fast as he can. 

Brian’s eyebrows go up as he looks at Adam, incredulous. “You’re the one who said we weren’t going back there. I should have respected that.”

Adam chews on his lower lip, one moment of hesitation. “We’re already back there. Didn’t you notice?”

“You’re the one who didn’t.” Even as Brian says that, Adam realizes that he’s right. Adam has made it through rehearsals where he didn’t need to always be there, through Tommy’s comment about how it was strange that Adam gave in so easily to Brian’s ideas about the music – though that might be because Tommy’s used to seeing Adam caught in endless arguments over the kind of music he wants to make – through the way one single “the arrangement is the right one, stop worrying” could make him breathe a little easier, without realizing. Maybe because it was all related to their work, to the upcoming concerts, and that made it a lot easier for those things to fall right under Adam’s radar. Or maybe he just didn’t want to notice.

“Now I do,” Adam says, just a little too quietly. Understanding the way he’s been acting makes him want to hold onto his control just a little tighter, but he’s aware that they won’t be able to run the show properly if he does that. He has no real reason to fight. The new arrangements are right, and if a few songs need more work, the show is shaping up in a way that satisfies even Adam’s perfectionism.

What scares him is how much he wants what Brian’s giving him, how it makes him realize that he still trusts Brian. If Adam lets himself, he’ll remember that it has to do with a lot more than just the music. 

“Where do we go from here?” Brian asks when Adam doesn’t say anything more.

“I have no idea,” Adam says, standing and stretching, turning his back to the door when he hears it open. He keeps his voice low enough that only Brian can hear him, “Let’s take it one step at a time. We’ll see where it takes us.”

Brian looks at the door, uses the fact that Keisha’s laugh is preventing everybody else from hearing them, “Tell me if you want me to back off, all right?”

Adam nods. He knows that Brian isn’t talking about the show; knows that, even if he didn’t want to admit it for the longest time, they are both slipping back into their old habits, all aspects of them. 

They agreed not to go back there, and yet, it’s so easy to fall back into it, to drop back into their roles. Adam can’t deny that made it easier, for both of them, to get the show up and running smoothly. 

The fear of being hurt again is still there, just as strong, and it’s the only thing that’s stopping Adam from asking Brian to do some serious talking. Even though he knows the temptation will only get worse in the upcoming weeks, Adam is still trying to avoid it, to ignore it even exists.

As if he could ever forget.

***

They go through the last week of rehearsals without anything changing. Adam, caught up in the upcoming promo, lets Brian handle most of it, and realizes for the first time, he doesn’t even worry about it. If he’s not there, he can focus on everything else he has to do without splitting his attention and worrying about whether the band is going to be ready. He knows they will. 

Things stay the same, except that, now, Adam notices the little details. The times when he asks for his usual tea and, if his voice isn’t a hundred percent that day, the first thing he’ll notice when he drinks it is the sweet, bitter taste of lemon and honey. The conversations when he’s trying to figure out what needs to be done first, once they’re through with rehearsals, and he gets an exasperated but sweet, “Get some sleep, will you?”

The way Brian is nearly always watching Adam, calling a break when Adam needs one but won’t let himself stop, knowing when Adam’s issues with the sound are the kind he needs to pay attention to and when it’s just Adam being Adam. 

What troubles Adam isn’t so much how Brian acts, but how he, himself, reacts. How he doesn’t even think about asking why Brian gave him honey and lemon when he didn’t ask for any; how he actually does get some sleep, at least fitting power naps into his busy schedule after one of Brian’s comments; how he doesn’t argue with the breaks even though he wants to keep going…

They never touch, though, as if that’s a semblance of boundary they’re both intent on keeping intact. As if, as long as they don’t step over certain lines, they can both fool themselves that they’re not falling too far into their old habits.

Adam can’t deny that it makes everything easier. He’s at the point where all he can focus on is how perfect he wants the show to be. He would go way over his own limits without someone to watch his back. It annoys him as much as it did back in the day, this impression that he’s unable to take care of himself even though he’s an adult. 

The biggest difference is that now he’s very much aware it’s the only thing that can make the wheels in his head stop. That he needs to have a space in his life where he can undo the tight grip he keeps on everything, where he doesn’t get to control every detail. 

The only thing stopping him is the reminder of the way he was hurt back in the day, but as days go by, as he finds himself caught up into the storm of last-minute rehearsals and problems that need handling, his need grows to the point of battling it out with the painful memories. 

The pressure keeps climbing until Adam feels like he’s hanging on by his fingertips. But he’s at the point where he can’t stop, so far gone that asking isn’t even an option anymore. 

***

Everything that could go wrong during the KISS concert in Boston does. The whole band – as well as the first few rows and everyone on the livestream, he’ll learn later – can hear him bitching about feedback between each song. When he storms offstage, it’s to shout at the sound guy, but that doesn’t help. Adam is so wired he can’t think straight. 

Everybody should know him well enough to keep out of his way. Adam is at the point where he’s ready to lose it at anyone. 

Instead, Tommy makes the mistake of telling Adam that it wasn’t that bad, and Adam nearly shouts, “The sound was fucked up from start to finish. Didn’t you hear it?”

When they get back to the hotel, Adam can only think about heading straight to his room. He nearly makes it. The elevator door is about to close behind him when Brian catches it, steps in and corners him. “What the fuck was that, man? You didn’t need to bite Tommy’s head off!” 

That’s enough to get Adam going again, “Sound was shit. You heard it too.”

“Sound was shitty all afternoon. It wasn’t going to fix itself for you.” 

The way Brian sounds, all calm and reasonable, only makes Adam madder. As they get to his floor and make their way to his room, he snaps, “I couldn’t even hear you all.”

“Bad call on my part. Next time I’ll insist on a sound check. With a full band, you need it.”

It seems so simple, so easy when Brian puts it like that, and yet, Adam can’t get himself to actually listen. “I messed up Shady.” The door to his room closes behind them. Adam barely registers the fact that Brian followed him as he sits on the bed.

Brian shakes his head and walks toward Adam, not stopping until he’s standing right in front of him. Slowly, like Adam is a pet Brian is trying not to scare, Brian tilts Adam’s chin with his fingers, making him look up. “We all messed up. Mix needs more tuning. We should have realized that before the show.”

There is nothing Adam can say to that, but that doesn’t stop him from trying, “It should have been better already.”

“If it wasn’t, it’s not such a big deal. Next show will be better.” 

Adam hears Brian’s words, but he can’t process them. He shakes Brian off and stands again, walks to the window. 

Adam is already thinking of everything that needs fixing, every single detail that he should have noticed before hitting the stage tonight, the wheels in his head turning like they’ll never stop. 

He expects to hear the door close behind Brian as he’s finally left alone; instead he feels Brian’s arms slipping around his waist from behind and holding him tight. 

“Way I see it,” Brian murmurs, right in Adam’s ear, “you need someone to take you to bed and fuck you. How does that sound?”

Adam’s breath catches, and the words are torn out of his throat. “Too fucking tempting.”

“Do you want me to stay?” Brian’s voice is just above a whisper, breath tickling Adam’s neck. 

Adam rests his forehead against the window. Brian is still right there, impossible to ignore. Adam knows that he could refuse. He needs to unwind, though, and Brian is tempting and right. There. 

It takes Adam so long to answer that he feels Brian’s hands slipping from around his waist. He stops over-thinking it and drops his hands to Brian’s before Brian can release him. “Stay. Please.”

He feels Brian smile against his shoulder, then a kiss on the side of his neck. “Turn around and takes off those shoes, will you? You don’t need to be even taller.”

Adam laughs at that but does what Brian says, taking off his boots as he turns to face Brian. The coldness of the glass of the window seeps through his shirt, clearing his head a little, but it’s not enough. Tonight, nothing will be. Nothing except what Brian can give him.

Brian grabs Adam’s face as he kisses him, slowly coaxing him into opening his mouth. The kiss goes on, but Adam slips back into that awful show, and everything that he should or could have done better. 

Brian takes a step back, shaking his head as his fingers slowly trace the lines on Adam’s forehead. “You’re still thinking.” 

“I can’t stop,” Adam replies, already breathless. He’s still going through every detail of tonight’s performance in his mind, over and over again. He can’t forget, can’t help feeling that he should have seen it, that he messed up somehow. 

“Are you with me or not?” Brian’s fingers are still moving on Adam’s forehead, a slow, hypnotic movement. 

Adam sighs. He’s still so caught up in tonight’s performance and everything that went wrong with it that he’s not, not really. Just a fuck won’t be enough to get him out of this loop. He wants, he needs… “Make me stop thinking. Please.”

He watches surprise flitter across Brian’s face, but it only lasts a second. Brian’s expression changes to the one Adam knows by heart, and he bends against Adam’s shoulder, his teeth teasing at the joint between Adam’s neck and his shoulder. “I’m thinking of holding you down and fucking your brains out.”

Adam whimpers, knowing that if they go down that path it can be, will be, so much more than that. He can’t make himself stop, can’t remember any of the good reasons he had not to do this. All that escape from of his mouth is a broken, “ _please._ ”

Brian licks a path up Adam’s neck, his voice still barely above a whisper. “Safeword?”

Hesitating for one second, Adam is tempted to go back to his old one, but he’s aware it needs to be something that won’t sink him back into painful memories. “Zodiac.”

He feels the stutter of Brian’s breath against his neck as Brian realizes that, while Adam did change once they weren’t together anymore, his new safeword was still related to Brian: they met while working on the Zodiac Show. When Brian looks at him again, though, his face shows nothing.

“I won’t push you too hard, but is anything big off-limits?”

Adam thinks as fast as he can and says, “The usual. And I can’t take you without prep. It’s been too long.”

“Okay.” This time, when Brian kisses Adam, he attacks, all tongue and teeth, leaving Adam with nowhere to go, and not enough room to catch his breath. There’s nothing Adam can do but give as Brian takes and takes and takes. Adam’s hands claw the window behind him as he tries and fails to find a grip on it. 

Slowly, Brian releases him, takes a step back, and examines him from head to toe. “Get on the bed. Take your clothes off on the way.”

Adam has to close his eyes against the whirlwind of emotions trying to take over. He takes a deep breath, and then another, desperately trying to find the peace and quietness he remembers. He’s not there yet. He’s so far from it, it’s not even funny. Panic is bubbling up in his throat at the idea of what he’s about to do. 

Before he can get himself under control, he feels a hand on his shoulder, gripping tight. “Stop thinking.” Adam isn’t capable of that, but the words and Brian’s tone, the way he lets Adam know that he won’t take no for an answer, finally get Adam moving. 

There’s a fast and efficient way to do it, but Adam takes his time, taking off rings one at a time before starting on his clothes. He’s vaguely aware that he would find his ground faster if he just listened and relaxed his hold on himself, but that would be too much.

“Are you gonna fight me every step of the way?” Hearing this is enough to immobilize Adam’s fingers on the button of his pants, to have him biting his own lip and looking at Brian. 

It’s not a real question, Adam realizes, even though Brian seems to be waiting for an answer. It’s a reminder, one that Adam can’t ignore. It would be easy to go with the flow, but Adam knows that tonight will be anything but easy. “Maybe.” It’s all he can say, but he hopes it will be enough. He wagers on the fact that Brian will remember enough to understand that the last thing Adam wants is to be given a way out. 

Adam watches as the last remains of the back and forth dance they’ve been doing for weeks disappear. 

“Everything off. Now.” Brian’s tone is sharp enough to send a small shiver of fear up Adam’s back, enough to push him in the right direction. He makes quick work of the rest of his clothes and lies down on the bed. 

Adam can’t tear his gaze away from Brian as Brian makes his way over to him. It’s in the way his eyes never leave Adam, keeping him pinned there like a captive butterfly, yet Adam knows that Brian notices every detail that’s changed. The weight that came off over the years. The tats on Adam’s inner arm. The fine body hair that, years ago, would have been carefully shaved off. 

Not a word, yet the air between them feels heavy, so thick that Adam would swear he can taste it with every breath. Even staying put suddenly require all of his effort. Nervous energy flits back and forth under his skin until he can’t ignore it anymore. 

It’s only when Brian reaches the bed that the intensity of what he’s about to do hits Adam, scaring him to the bone and making him move again. 

He doesn’t go far. He ends up flat on his front, with Brian’s hands holding his together over his head and one of Brian’s knees on his back, just enough of Brian’s weight on his body to keep him down. 

Adam tries to free himself, but all that gets him are Brian’s hands tightening on his, and more of Brian’s weight pushing him into the bed. He grits his teeth, barely holding in a moan as all the air leaves his lungs in a rush. It’s not enough to hurt him, but it does the trick of reminding him that Brian knows how to handle him, that their difference in size and height doesn’t matter, that it never did. This feeling that he doesn’t have a choice anymore finally takes Adam to a space where he can breathe more freely.

He knows he could still call things off, one single word and Brian would stop. But he won’t. After weeks of build-up, he’s about to tumble over the edge. He needs to be taken there and brought back. 

“Don’t move.” Brian releases Adam’s hands, but Adam doesn’t even try to bring them down. He closes his eyes and his back tenses as he waits. Actions always have consequences, and Adam made his first mistake by trying to hide from Brian’s piercing gaze. 

Brian moves without ever completely taking his weight off Adam’s back, as if he understands that Adam needs to be held down for now, needs the reminder that he’s not the one in control. 

Adam starts breathing faster, his heart hammers in his chest as he waits, as he tries and fails to find his ground. It’s been so long that he doesn’t know what to expect anymore, but instead of scaring him, the thought only takes him down faster. And, right when he thinks the wait is going to drive him crazy, Brian bites Adam’s shoulder, hard enough to make him cry out. 

He isn’t at the point where pain’s only one more sensation that makes everything more intense. He keeps his eyes closed, unable to focus on anything that isn’t the sharp hurt in his shoulder, the way Brian sucks at the skin caught between his teeth until Adam lets out a sob. It’s too much, too soon, and Brian has to know it. 

When Brian finally lets go, the bruise throbs to the rhythm of Adam’s heartbeat, bringing a hot prickle of tears to the corners of Adam’s eyes. “Will you be good now? Or do you need me to tie you up?”

The words get stuck in Adam’s throat, and he swallows hard, twice, before he can get them out. “I’ll be good.” 

His shoulder already hurts a little less, but the ache will stay with him. It’s enough to fits the pieces together in Adam’s mind, that one little thing forcing him to relax the tight grip he has on himself, bringing him right back to the space where he’s practically begging to be taken out of his head. 

“Roll over.” Slowly, Adam does, forcing himself not to focus on anything but the words he hears, the way he has to move. He lets Brian push his hands back up over his head until his fingers are holding onto the side of the mattress. “Keep your hands there.”

Brian’s hands run down the length of Adam’s arms, back to his shoulders, not making the mistake of taking away his touch that soon. He fits one hand to Adam’s throat, curls the other in Adam’s hair and pulls a little. Adam opens his mouth on a startled gasp, eyes closing of their own free will. 

“You still love this.” A fact, not a question, and Adam can practically hear the pleased smile in Brian’s voice as he tugs a little more on Adam’s hair. Brian uses his grip to pull Adam’s head to the side, licking and nibbling at the skin of Adam’s neck. 

Adam goes easily, pressing his face against his arm to expose more skin. As much as the first bite hurt, he’s starting to want it now, want the slight pain and the marks that will be left behind. 

Brian’s teeth tease at the junction of Adam’s neck and shoulder, but instead of a bite all Adam feels is a soft lick, making him growl in frustration. It’s enough for him to open his eyes again, annoyance written all over his face. The hand in his hair tightens in warning, and Adam can’t look away from Brian. 

“I’m not going to mark you up where you’ll have to hide it, not before a full week of concerts.” As he says that, Brian takes his hand off Adam’s throat and strokes down Adam’s chest. “Everywhere else is fair game, though.” 

Adam shivers as he recognizes the words for the promise they are. His cock hardens at the thought and desire takes over, yet he doesn’t even move a finger. The only things giving him away are the flush on his face and the way his breath quickens.

Brian moves his hand in Adam’s hair, stroking along Adam’s head until he finds Adam’s cheek in a loving caress. “Good boy.” 

The praise has Adam breath catching in his throat, slowly finding his center in a world where nothing matters but Brian’s words, the way Brian’s hands move on Adam’s body. 

He can’t look away as Brian takes off his shirt and throws it on the floor. He barely has the time to feast his eyes on all that dark skin, on the way Brian’s muscles move before Brian hands and mouth are on him again. 

There’s the gentle touch of fingertips on his ribs, the hard scratch of nails on his lower stomach, little bites and nibbles all over his thighs. He’s slowly losing himself in a mass of sensations, in a world where he can do nothing but feel. 

He tightens his grip on the mattress as Brian licks a long, teasing strip across Adam’s chest before he closes his mouth around Adam’s nipple and sucks, only stopping when Adam’s moan turns into a whine. Then he moves, biting down on Adam’s other nipple while he pinches the one he was teasing a second ago. Adam sobs as the pain makes his cock harden even more. 

Pain and pleasure mix together with every touch of Brian’s fingers, with every scrape of his teeth against Adam’s skin, until Adam can’t differentiate one from the other. He tries to hold in every sound that wants to come out as Brian forces him to spread his legs and sucks a bruise up on his inner thigh, but he can’t. The pain goes right to Adam’s head, pushing him a little farther, making him crave more of it, more of everything. 

Brian moves back up Adam’s chest, leaving bites and sucking bruises on his way, still blatantly ignoring Adam’s cock. His hands grab onto Adam’s hips and hold them down when Adam tries to thrust up, seeking the tiniest bit of friction, hard enough that Adam knows he will have bruises there, too. “Don’t move.” 

The warning is enough to keep Adam flat against the bed, even when Brian releases him. “Let me get you there, pretty boy.” The last two words are so soft that Adam barely hears them, but they still brings tears to Adam’s eyes. He blinks them away as fast as he can, hoping that Brian didn’t notice. 

If Brian did see them, he doesn’t show it. He strokes Adam’s thighs. “Spread your legs.”

The command has Adam obeying without thinking, and Brian’s touch turns into a caress. 

“Wider.” Adam digs his heels into the mattress to hold the position, the strain on his muscles stopping him from focusing on anything else. 

After hearing the snick of a cap, Adam expects the cold drizzle of lube on his skin. Instead he gets Brian’s teeth teasing at the juncture between his thigh and groin. Adam tightens his grip on the mattress as Brian increases the pressure, until Adam can’t hold in the broken “please, fuck, _please_ ”, not even knowing if he’s asking, begging for Brian to stop or to keep going. 

It’s only then that Brian releases the skin caught between his teeth, one slick finger pushing into Adam’s ass without warning. Adam chokes on air when one finger becomes two – it’s too fast, too soon, no tease, only a means to an end. Brian worries at the bruise he just made on Adam’s thigh with his tongue and his teeth, and Adam bites his lip to stop the embarrassing sounds building up in his throat. 

Brian slips his fingers out. Adam hears the sounds of clothes being taken off, of a condom being opened, and seconds later he feels the head of Brian’s cock against his asshole. Adam isn’t ready, he doesn’t think he will ever be, and he bites his lip even harder when the only word that resonates in his head is, _zodiac. Zodiac. Zodiac._ It would be so easy, one single word that would change everything, but Adam knows that the tenderness and care he would get if he safeworded would be even harder to take. So he forces himself to hold the word in. 

He doesn’t have time to catch his breath before Brian pushes inside. The stretch and burn is all Adam can feel because he wasn’t lying, it’s been really too long. It hurts in a way that makes him want more. More of a pain so sweet that it makes him forget everything. More of the sensations that make the outside world disappear, that can chase all thoughts out of Adam’s head. Nothing should exist anymore for him but Brian’s hands and mouth on his body, the relentless way Brian’s pushing inside him, inch after slow inch, leaving him with nowhere to go, nothing else to feel. Instead he’s teetering over the edge, frustrated as he tries and fail to reach that space in himself where he can finally be free. 

Once he bottoms out, Brian barely gives Adam a moment to get used to the feeling of fullness, to the sweet burn before he pulls back out, so slowly that it turns into endless torture. Adam groans, his eyes still closed, biting his lip so hard that’s he’s close to making it bleed. 

Another slow slide in and out, letting Adam feel every inch, then Brian’s fingers flutter over Adam’s eyelids. “Don’t hide from me.” 

Adam opens his eyes, aware that he won’t dare close them again. The words go right under his skin, slicing through him better than a knife. Seconds later, he feels Brian’s finger at the corner of his mouth, drawing soft circles until Adam stops biting his lip. “Don’t hurt yourself. Let me hear you.” 

Brian’s affection goes through every single defensive wall Adam still has, taking him apart in a way he thought wasn’t possible anymore. His legs are spread open a little more, enough that he groans against the strain on his muscles, and Brian finally thrusts for real.

Adam can do nothing but feel, every thought finally being driven right out of his head. All that exists is this moment, the tight grip Brian has on Adam’s thighs, the hard and fast thrusts of Brian’s cock in Adam’s ass, the way Brian’s gaze keeps Adam pinned to the bed, fingers clutching at the mattress, the earlier command holding him down better than bonds ever could. 

Brian pushes Adam’s legs toward his chest, making him groan before he thrusts again, hitting Adam’s prostate every other time. Pleasure runs through Adam with every thrust, going right to his cock and balls, pain mixing with it until he can’t differentiate one from the other. Orgasm coils in his lower back, but it’s not enough, it can’t be enough. 

Unable to hold in the whimpers and groans, not even thinking of stopping, Adam tries to loses himself in the sensations, in the mix of pain and pleasure, in the words of praise and love that he forces himself not to hear. He’s ready to tumble over the brink but still holding back, as hard as he can. 

Brian’s hand surrounds Adam’s cock as he slows down his thrusts, tightly enough that Adam can feel his orgasm just out of his reach. “Beg for it.”

The last of Adam’s wall crumbles. He’s not even aware of the words tumbling out of his mouth, a mess of “please” and “fuck” and “I need”. He can’t stop the broken pleas from coming out when Brian thrusts again, when his hand moves on Adam’s cock, pushing him farther and farther yet keeping him on the edge with one single command, “Wait, Adam.”

It’s the way Brian uses his name that wrecks Adam, that pulls even more broken sounds out of him. He’s begging without words, with the way his body tries to move, with only Brian’s will holding him there. 

Brian thrusts again, hard, just the right way for Adam to feel it through his whole body, catches Adam’s gaze with his, refusing to let go, and says, “Now.” 

And Adam finally comes, mouth opening in a silent scream, the intensity making his voice fail him. He can only mumble when Brian thrusts again, chasing after his own pleasure. Unable to look away from Brian, Adam cries out when Brian hits his oversensitive prostate, when Brian’s hand refuses to relent on Adam’s cock. It hurts, and it’s too much, and yet Adam craves more, more of the sensations that send him right over the edge, even through his orgasm. 

When Brian comes and finally pulls out, Adam tightens his grip on the mattress to the point where it hurts, using the pain he’s causing himself to keep the little hold he still has intact. He watches as Brian gets off the bed and lets himself close his eyes. All he wants is to be left alone, to curl up on the bed and let the waves of pain he’s been carrying for years lead him to sleep. 

He listens for the sound of the door closing, not daring to move. Instead, he hears Brian moving in the bathroom, then, seconds later, gentle hands grab his. Brian eases Adam’s grip on the mattress, slowly massaging the cramps out of Adam’s fingers and wrists. A sob escapes Adam before he can stop it as Brian’s hands patiently chase the pain away, and he stubbornly keeps his eyes closed. He lets Brian move him, sighs in pleasure at the feeling of a wet, warm cloth over his cock and balls, between his legs, cleaning him up. 

Adam still vaguely hope to be left alone but he knows it won’t happen. Instead, he feels himself being moved and goes easily, not resisting, until he’s resting with his head on the pillow, Brian lying down on his side beside him, using his arms and legs to keep Adam close, surrounding him, protecting him.

The gentle hands caressing his body hurt more than the earlier bites did. Adam feels every touch, every kind word down to his core, and the pain is nearly tearing him in half. He can’t think, yet he’s surrounded by old, painful memories. This is so very familiar, down to the words Brian uses, the way his hands move over Adam’s body. A ghost of the past that should have stayed buried. 

“Let go, Adam. I’ve got you.” 

With that, with Brian gentle touch and voice, the tears that Adam has been holding back all evening fall, body-wrenching sobs making him shake. Every gentle touch seems to make it worse. The comfort he’d normally get from allowing himself to break down in somebody else’s arms is nowhere to be found.

It takes a long time before he calms down, before he can blink the tears away and accept Brian’s touch for what it is, and not as a tease of what he really wants. He lets the caresses and the constant stream of words in his ear, the flow of Brian telling him how good he is, how beautiful, carry him to sleep. 

***

The way he aches all over is the first thing Adam notices when he wakes up. Slowly, he turns onto his back and his fingers find one of the bruises left on his ribs. He presses his fingers on the bruise, the rush of pain letting him find his center as he breathes, in, and out, as slow as he can. 

His peace shatters as soon as he feels the bed dip, and his whole body tenses. He tries and fails to keep his breathing even, his heart beating like it’s trying to come out of his chest. 

“I know you’re awake.” 

It takes a few more seconds for Adam to dare open his eyes. He wishes he could forget the details of last night and only keep the bruises and the ache that put his feet back on the ground. He doesn’t want to remember the way it made him feel, how giving in to Brian left him with the impression that that’s where he belongs. 

When he finally opens his eyes, it’s to find Brian looking at him, lying on his side. Adam doesn’t say a word, aware that the little bit of calm he can still cling to will disappear as soon as he does. 

“How are you feeling?”

“It aches a little. Nothing too bad.” The calm and peace that he finds on morning like this one are already slipping through Adam’s fingers. He sighs. He was hoping it would last a little longer. 

“There is something you haven’t told me.” 

It’s not a question, but it takes Adam by surprise. It leaves him speechless for a few seconds, and then he still doesn’t know how to answer. “Sorry?”

Brian shrugs, still looking at Adam like he’s trying to read his soul, to figure out what’s going on his mind. “The way you reacted last night. It wasn’t just the pressure of the show or how long you went without submitting. Was it?”

Answering this will lead them directly toward what Adam was trying to avoid, yet he can’t help himself. “You’re right. I didn’t tell you everything.”

Brian nods. Adam is clearly only confirming what Brian already thought. “And last night didn’t help much. Am I wrong?”

Adam waits until he finds a way to say it without it hurting too deeply, “I’m not… likely to lose it at someone again just because of sound issues.”

“Not what I asked,” Brian reminds him, slow and careful. 

“I got what I wanted.” It’s not a lie, not really. It still brings a sad smile to Brian’s face, the kind that says he doesn’t believe a word of what Adam’s saying. 

“But not what you needed, because I still have no idea what’s going on in your head.”

Adam looks away from Brian. The last thing he wants is to explain, to dig into the memories that still hurt after all these years. 

A few seconds pass, and Adam still doesn’t say anything. Brian gently strokes his fingers down the side of Adam’s jaw, encouraging him to turn his head and look at him again. “I can wait until you’re ready. But we need to talk.”

Slowly, Adam nods, knowing that they should have talked weeks ago. It still scares him, though, and that must show on his face because Brian asks, “You’re not agreeing only to make me leave you alone, are you?”

It takes Adam some time to find his voice and the courage to say, “No, you’re right. Talking is overdue.”

He watches as Brian brings a hand to his own wrist, to the wristband he didn’t take off, the one he nearly never takes off. Slowly, Brian undoes the wristband, and offers it to Adam. “You remember how this works?”

Adam hesitates, knowing that no matter how small, it’s still an obligation. If he accepts it, that conversation will happen in the time he chooses, but that’s the only choice he’ll have. He’s also aware that unless he has something to push him in the right direction, he’ll try and avoid that conversation for as long as he can. Last night proved to him that avoiding it wasn’t doing him any good. 

“Yes. I remember.” As Adam says that, he holds out his wrist, lets Brian close the bracelet around his arm. 

“You’ll give it back to me when you’re ready to talk. Okay?”

Adam nods, the solid weight of the wristband and of Brian’s hand on his arm grounding him in the moment. It won’t be easy, but he’s at the point where he’s aware that it can only help. And in a way, he’s glad not to have a chance to back down again. 

***

It takes Adam three days before talking feels like a good option. He still wishes he could avoid it, but ignoring his feelings only seems to make the whole thing take more space in his mind. 

He waits until the idea of explaining doesn’t leave him feeling that he’ll lose his footing before he says anything. Every time he’s tempted to back out and forget everything, the weight of Brian’s wristband reminds him that he agreed to at least talk. He still has a hard time believing it will make things better, but he knows it can’t make them any worse. 

Right before they take the stage in Philadelphia, Adam walks up to Brian. “You’re forgetting something.”

Without another word, he hands the wristband to Brian, who takes one long look at Adam before he put it on. “Tonight, then?”

Adam nods, already feeling more secure now that he can’t back down. He realizes that he doesn’t even want to.

***

It’s late in the evening when they finally make their excuses and end up in Adam hotel’s room. They grab some water and sit on the balcony. Adam focuses on the horizon, trying to avoid the old fear creeping back into his mind. 

Only one small bedside lamp is on in the room. Its soft glow barely reaches the door, creating a little space where neither of them needs to hide.

Silence settles between them, full of everything they don’t dare to say. Adam looks at the city unfolding before them, then at his own hands. He has no idea where to start. 

Before he can figure it out, Brian asks, “You wanna know what I thought?”

“Go ahead.” Adam moves until he’s sitting with his back to the wall, forces himself to focus on Brian who’s on the other side of the door. The dim light coming out of the room separates them.

“The way it looked to me. Well, you were putting too much pressure on yourself, wanting everything to be perfect, and maybe you went too long without submitting to someone. And you let me believe it.” The last words are soft, but they still sting like an accusation. “But your reaction the other night was too strong for that explanation to be enough. So tell me. What’s eating you up?”

“It’s you.” As soon as he says this, Adam snorts, shaking his head at himself. “And that sounded a lot more dramatic than I wanted it to.”

Brian laughs a little, but he doesn’t say anything except for, “Go ahead. I’m listening.”

“When I hired you, I thought that what we had back then would be just a memory. Some distant past that would make itself known, once in a while, but that I could forget most of the time.” Adam sighs as he searches for the right words. “It was supposed to make things easier. You know how to handle me and you’re good at what you do, no one can deny that.”

“But it didn’t make things easier.” It’s not really a question but it still sounds like one.

Adam shakes his head, focusing on Brian, but Brian reveals nothing of the effect Adam’s words have on him. 

“It made me want things I shouldn’t. And,” he adds quickly, before Brian can interrupt, “no, it’s not submission that I still have hang-ups with. I had time to figure myself out. Thing is… I wasn’t expecting that working with you would make me want to erase the past and go back to what we had.”

Adam expects Brian to say something at this point, anything, but silence is the only answer he gets. He looks back toward the railing. “I wasn’t supposed to still want this from you. I wasn’t supposed to itch to hit my knees for you.”

“Would it be such a bad thing?”

Adam isn’t even sure that Brian is aware that he said it out loud, but he nods. “Yes, it would.” The knot of fear in his chest tightens, but he forces himself to keep going. “You have no idea how much you hurt me, do you?”

This time Brian can’t hide what he’s thinking fast enough for Adam not to understand that his words have cut deep, and hurt, but Brian’s voice is still steady as he says, “Tell me.”

It takes Adam a few seconds to sort through his thoughts – he has no idea where to start – then he says, “You know I’ve been out since I was eighteen, right?” Brian nods, and Adam continues, “That means that every time I found myself in a situation I had a hard time handling, I had someone to talk to. People who could help me through it because they knew what I was facing.”

Anyone who doesn’t know Adam that well wouldn’t understand. He keeps the people he loves, the one he knows he can open up to, as close to him as he can. Always has. Even in his early twenties, on the other side of the world, he found people he could be himself with. Whenever things went wrong, he had someone to turn to. Thinking about it is enough to make him smile a little, soft and nostalgic. 

“Then I met you, and you unsettled everything I thought about myself. I had to adjust and figure out who I was. I had to go through that whole process, to the point where I could admit that I wanted, that I needed to submit, and it was fucking scary.” Adam takes a deep breath, holding it long enough that he won’t get angry. “But I had to do it alone. I had almost no one to talk to because I had to be so fucking careful of what I said, and to who.”

Whenever he thinks back on these years, Adam only remembers how lucky he was to have Terrance. Terrance, who was working with them, who managed to put the clues together without Adam having to say anything. It was Terrance who let him talk until the wee hours of the morning, who kept telling him that he had no reason to be ashamed of himself. It was Terrance who held Adam when he cried because having to hide was taking its toll on him. It was Terrance, again, who helped Adam put the pieces of himself back together when his and Brian’s relationship blew up. If it hadn’t been for him, Adam wouldn’t have had anyone to talk to. 

Adam forces himself to look at Brian again before he says, “That hurt me beyond anything you can imagine. I’m not doing your closeted bullshit again.”

He watches as the words hit Brian, as Brian looks at the ground. For the first time in a long while, Brian has lost his cool and looks unsure. Vulnerable. “I know that.”

Adam startles, but before he can say anything, Brian looks at him and asks, “You honestly thought I had no idea? I never realized that it was part of the reason you were acting so off-balance now, but… back then? I would have had to be blind not to see how hard it was for you.”

The words shock Adam into silence as he discovers that they both kept their secrets for a long time. He closes his fists, nails digging little crescents into his palms. This hurts even more than the idea that Brian never knew how bad Adam was hurting.

“I was a coward when I was with you.” Brian raises his head slowly, his usual confidence nowhere in sight. “I was falling for you. Hard. It scared me enough that I hurt the both of us.”

“Don’t lie.” Adam looks over the railing, taking notice for the first time of the details of the city. Anything not to wonder about words that he knows can’t be true. 

“You think I would lie to you like that? Adam, look at me.” There’s just enough authority in the last words for Adam to obey without really wanting to. He turns back to Brian and waits. “You weren’t my first boy, you know that. But I… I always kept that part of my life separate from the rest. As long as it didn’t feel like a real relationship, I could keep going without having to question who I was. There was respect, but never love. It couldn’t be. I wasn’t gay, right?” Brian laughs a little as he says that, like he’s mocking himself and the fact that there was a time where he could have said those exact words and believed them. 

Adam looks at Brian like he’s seeing him for the first time, his heart beating faster, as if it will never stop. He can’t help feeling like he’s about to be torn to pieces again. What he would have given to hear Brian say that all those years ago…

“I know I messed up your world when we met, but you did the same thing with mine. I wanted more. More than the stolen moments I had always satisfied myself with before you. What I was feeling for you took too big a place in my life. It was enough to scare me away. I wasn’t ready to face it all.” Brian’s voice breaks on the last words, and Adam struggles not to move toward him. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Adam says instead. “We can’t rewrite the past.”

Brian nods. “You’re right. We can only move forward.”

Adam shakes his head at that. “No. I’m not going back into the closet. Not for you. Not for anyone. That’s why the way I react to you destabilizes me so much: I know you can’t give me what I need.”

Somehow, Brian smiles a little at that, already regaining some of his confidence. “You really didn’t keep track of me the last couple of years, did you?”

“I had no reason to,” Adam reminds him.

“Maybe you should have.” Brian only shrugs a little when Adam looks at him, surprised. “If you had, you would know that my last relationship, the one that lasted two years? It was with a guy. We weren’t hiding.”

That hits Adam harder than anything else Brian has said since they started talking. He sips his water to busy himself, to try and keep the hope he’s feeling from showing on his face. “I’m not sure I can believe you.”

“I get that. But the offer still stands.”

Adam doesn’t even need to think about it before he shakes his head. “No.” He stops himself before he says anything more, suddenly reminded of what a risk he’s taking. Then he changes his mind, deciding that honesty is the best way to go. He still trusts Brian enough to give him that. “I was in love with you back then. I’m not risking getting my heart broken twice.”

Brian looks at Adam for a long time before he says, “You’re not the only one who felt that way. That’s why I got so scared. But things have changed. It wouldn’t be the same.”

“Why are you trying so hard to convince me?” Adam knows he shouldn’t ask. He’s aware he won’t like the answer. But he has to know.

“Because what I felt for you back then? It’s still there. Maybe not as strong, but enough that I can’t forget it.” Brian sighs, his voice drops lower. “Tell me you don’t feel the same, and I’m never bringing this up again. I promise you.”

The wave of want takes Adam by surprise, even though it’s been coming and going ever since he started working with Brian. It would be easy, maybe too easy. 

Adam surprises himself when he realizes that he believes Brian. That he can accept the possibility that Brian is serious, even though it will take more than words for Adam to feel secure.

“I told you. Just being around you makes me itch to hit my knees. And,” Adam adds quickly, making sure they’re on the same wave-length, “it’s not just because I miss my submission. What I miss is submitting to you.”

“Enough that you could trust me again with that side of yourself?” Brian is still watching Adam, so intently that Adam feels like an insect under a microscope.

“I already did that, didn’t I?”

“Did you?”

It takes Adam a few seconds to realize it’s a real question, and it makes him look at the ground again, aware that neither of them will like the answer. “You’re right. I freaked out when I realized how easily you could still control me – how easily I let you do it.” He hesitates, knowing that what he’s about to say might be a deal-breaker, but he needs to say it. “I was scared enough that I nearly safeworded. But being cared for by you would have felt worse, so. I didn’t.”

When he dares to glance at Brian again, it’s to see Brian shaking his head. Fear twists Adam’s insides, but all that Brian says is, “I’m asking you again. Do you think you could trust me with that side of yourself?”

There is nothing Adam wants more than that, but for now the answer is, “Maybe.” It has to be enough.

***

It’s early in the morning the next day when Adam gets the news about the album sales. Suddenly he’s walking on air, feeling lighter than he has in weeks. He should rest, he’s aware of it, but the high of realizing that all of his hard work has paid off, even just a little, makes that impossible. 

He plays with his phone as he walks through the hotel, debating who he should call first, then stops dead in his tracks when he realizes that his steps drove him right to Brian’s room. He hesitates for one second, then knocks before he can second-guess himself. As soon as the door opens, he steps into the room and says, as fast as he can, “I’m number one on Billboard for pop album sales.” 

The door barely has time to close behind him before he’s enveloped in a crushing hug. Adam let out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding and the adrenaline seeps out of him as he hears Brian whisper, “I’m so proud of you.” Surprised, Adam realizes that he’s at peace, and for once he doesn’t feel the need to backtrack or to try and protect himself. 

They end up tangled around each other on the couch. The way Brian moves his hands in a slow caress over Adam’s body brings him the calm he couldn’t have found on his own. Adam clings to Brian, to the little bit of peace he’s found in Brian’s embrace. 

“I’m not sure I can believe it yet,” Adam says, soft enough that he won’t break the spell that settled over them. “I knew it was a possibility, but… I didn’t really believe it would happen.”

“Why not? All the hard work you put into that record had to pay off at some point. You deserve it.”

Adam nods against Brian’s chest, and yet he still can’t believe it. He.s already heard things about how he’s made history, being the first out gay artist to make number one on the charts, but it all seems like a dream. Something that will slip through his fingers if he’s not careful. The thought makes him tighten his grip on Brian. 

“You wanna know what’s funny?”

Gently, Brian cards his fingers through Adam’s hair, pushing it away from Adam’s forehead. “Tell me.”

“I just learned the news. First thing I thought of? It wasn’t to call my mother or one of my friends in LA. Instead I found myself at your door.” Adam smiles a little as he says that. “Not what I was expecting.” 

He feels Brian’s fingers under his chin, pulling his head up to make him look at Brian. “I’m glad you did.” 

Adam can’t turn away from Brian, from the way that, for once, he’s not hiding what he thinks. There is a lot hidden beneath his words, but it’s written all over his face.

“Why is it that every time we meet, you turn my whole world upside down?” Adam asks, on a shaky breath. 

Brian strokes his fingers under Adam’s chin. “I could say the same thing about you. I wasn’t expecting the urge to take care of you to still be that strong. It doesn’t matter how many years it’s been.”

“I know,” Adam says, without even trying to look away. “It’s the same thing for me.”

Adam sighs. It’s impossible to pick up where they left off, he’s painfully aware of that. But deep down, he wishes they could. 

“What do we do now?” Brian asks, soft and careful. “Do we go back to trying to ignore it?”

“No. I’m tired of lying to myself.”

“But…?”

Adam can’t hold in a smile as he’s reminded how easily Brian can read him, but he turns serious again when he says, “I told you already. I’m not going back into the closet, for anyone. Not even for you. No one needs to know what happens behind closed doors, but acting as if we’re not together? I can’t do that again.”

Silence surrounds them, but before it becomes threatening, Brian says, “I was serious last night. I’m done hiding. You wouldn’t need to.”

The same crazy hope that Adam felt last night is back, but this time he holds it tight and refuses to let it go. “I’ll need more than words before I can believe you. That one isn’t negotiable.”

“I get it.” Brian stares into Adam’s eyes, long enough that Adam wants to hide from Brian’s knowing gaze, and says, “On my own, not-negotiable side? You don’t pull crap like you did the other night. Letting me believe that you’re fine when you’re freaking out? Not acceptable. Ever.”

“I didn’t realize I was doing that badly.”

“Liar.” Brian keeps his voice soft enough that the word doesn’t hurt that much. “I’m getting nothing out of it if you don’t get off on it.”

“But I did.” Adam knows he doesn’t make sense, but he can’t help himself. 

“You know what I mean, Adam. My main concern is you.”

Brian’s words grab Adam’s heart and refuse to let it go. It still seems too good to be true, but he wants to believe. He wants it so much. Enough that he tries to explain. “I was hurt, and I didn’t wanted you to see it. If I’d let you know? Everything would have felt too real.”

Brian finally releases him and Adam looks down, resting his head against Brian’s chest. He lets himself drift into the caresses of Brian’s hand on his skin. He knows he doesn’t have a lot of time; a couple more minutes, maybe, before his phone start ringing and the obligations pile up again. He doesn’t mind, not really. He loves what he does, but sometimes? It’s nice to forget the outside world and be able to rest. 

“I understand,” Brian whispers. “But if you keep on letting me believe everything’s fine when it’s not? We’ll crash and burn again.” 

Slowly, Adam nods. “I know. I won’t do that again, I just… I don’t know if I can believe you yet.”

“I wouldn’t lie about that. Not after what we’ve been through. I wouldn’t dare.” Brian sounds a little hurt, but Adam still doesn’t look at him.

“I’m not saying you would. But there can be a world of difference between what someone says and how they act. You know that. And I’ve already been burned once with you.”

“I can wait.” Surprised, Adam looks up at Brian again, and realizes that Brian is serious. “In the meantime, I think we at least owe each other honesty.”

Adam can’t help but smile and he singsongs, “No more hiding.” 

His smile gets bigger when Brian laughs as he recognizes the lyrics. “You’re so cheesy.”

“But it’s true. That’s what we were both doing. Trying to protect ourselves and ignoring the elephant in the room.”

There’s a few second of silence, then Brian asks, “How about this? We stop lying to each other and hiding behind half-truths. We’re both free not to talk about something, but we let down a couple of walls.”

“Yes. That works for me.” 

Brian tightens his grip on Adam, and Adam burrows into Brian’s protective embrace. He only has a few minutes left, but he’s going to enjoy every single one of them. 

***

Between interviews and performances, the rest of the week goes by in a blur, and before Adam knows it they’re in Wilkes-Barre. Things are evolving slowly, and if the others in the band have noticed, they haven’t said anything. Adam still doesn’t dare be as affectionate as usual with his lover; there’s a barrier between them that only Brian can vanquish. 

“How are you holding up?” Brian’s sudden appearance startles Adam. He’s about ready to go on stage, and thought he was alone. 

“I’m fine. Just a little nervous. Nothing major.” It’s the same before every show. Adam put so much effort into these songs that he always wants everything to be perfect. 

Brian smiles at Adam and places a hand behind Adam’s neck, making him bend his head. “You will be great,” Brian whispers in Adam’s ear. “I know it.” 

One fast kiss on Adam’s lips, and Brian’s gone. Adam looks around in daze, his heart ready to burst when he notices Isaac off to one side, mouth hanging open. There was a time when Brian would have never dared to do what he just did. Even in a space with only their close friends. 

When he goes on stage, all Adam can think is that, maybe, Brian was serious when he said he was done hiding. 

***

It’s easy after that. Easy to turn the show into something that will satisfies even Adam’s perfectionism. Easy to enjoy his time on stage, and mess around with the band. Easy to let himself go, to the point where he introduces Brian earlier than he meant to, ending with an, “I like him,” that means a lot more than any fan will ever guess. 

Being on stage hasn’t felt this good in a long time. At the end of the band intros, Adam can’t help but think that he, himself, wouldn’t be the same if he’d never met Brian, and says, “Now I introduced you guys to Brian earlier… Brian London makes it all happen.” He takes Brian by surprise when he keeps going, “So thank you. For making it all happen.” He watches Brian smiles as he understands that Adam really isn’t talking only about the show, and offers his hand in a high-five that ends with each of them grabbing at the other like they don’t want to let go. Five seconds, a smile, Adam laughs, enough that someone who doesn’t know what they’re looking for wouldn’t see anything. But enough for them to understand each other. 

***

After the concert, it takes a long time before they can finally unwind. The band forms a protective wall around Adam in the bar, keeping away fans and strangers alike. They often do that, knowing that except to the most hardcore fans, they are less recognizable. On nights when Adam doesn’t feel like dealing with anyone he doesn’t know, he ends up sitting with them spread around him. 

They’re all involved in little conversations amongst themselves when Brian perches himself on the arm of the couch where Adam is sitting, getting up in Adam’s space, and asks, “What was that, tonight?”

A few seconds pass, during which Adam desperately searches for the right way to answer, until he remembers the promise they both made. No more lies. “It was the truth.”

His heart beats faster at Brian’s pleased smile, the same one that Adam saw earlier when he introduced Brian and thanked him, the one that says Brian thinks he’s being given too much credit. 

Brian brings his hand to the back of Adam’s neck in a loose grip, and his smile softens. “Come here.” The kiss takes Adam by surprise but he goes with it, ignoring the whoops and catcalls from the rest of the band. 

He’s expecting Brian to pull back but the kiss keeps going, even when Isaac comes back with drinks and lets out a big, “I knew it!” When they separate, it’s to see Isaac wiggling his fingers at Tommy. “Pay up.”

Money changes hands, and Adam acts offended for a nanosecond before he laughs with everybody else when Tommy glares at Isaac. If anyone asks, he’d say that his smile and the splash of color on his cheeks are due to the alcohol, even though he knows, from the too sweet taste of his drinks, that starting from the second one there hasn’t been a drop of alcohol in them. They have a lot more to do with the hand Brian keeps on the back of Adam’s neck, with the soft whisper of “I missed you so much, boy,” in his ear before Brian pays attention to the others again.

It stays with Adam the whole evening, this feeling like his heart is about to beat right out of his chest. It’s the one little thing that he needed to convince him to give Brian and the thing that is still there between them, even after all these years, another chance. 

When the night is over and it’s only the two of them in the elevator, Adam asks, suddenly shy, “Come with me?”

“I’m not leaving you alone tonight.” The words seem to wrap themselves around Adam, holding him tighter and tighter and giving him back the safe space he remembers. 

The room’s door closes behind them, setting Adam into motion almost immediately. First to go are his shoes – Brian’s annoyance at the heels still makes him smile, even though he’s a lot less likely to break rules that simple these days. Adam remembers a time when he did it on purpose, little things that were really attempts to make Brian react to him outside the safe space of their apartments, Adam desperately trying to get the attention he craved, to stop feeling like Brian was shoving him in the closet. 

He takes off his jewelry, slow and methodical. He’s tempted to slip into the bathroom to remove his make-up, but they haven’t talked things through that far yet, and he’s pretty sure that if he doesn’t, Brian will do it for him later on. Right now, Adam needs that kind of intimacy, all the little things that will remind him that, this time, their relationship won’t be shoved into a the corner when it’s inconvenient. This time it will surround everything. 

Brian hasn’t said a word since they entered the room. He’s doesn’t seem to be expecting anything. He only seems curious as to how far Adam will push this. 

Adam takes a deep breath when the only thing left is his clothes. He stands in front of Brian, and whispers, “I believe you.” He watches as the words hit Brian, as Brian’s eyes go dark, as he finally understands that Adam is ready. 

They finish the evening lying side by side on the bed, always touching. They talk through most of the night, setting up ground rules and reminiscing about the good things in their past. 

It’s a couple of hours later when Adam gets out of bed and strips off his clothes. Never taking his eyes off Brian, Adam drops to his knees. Brian’s hand finds Adam’s shoulder, the back of his neck, and Adam lets his head fall forward. Adam closes his eyes, finding his ground in this moment, the knowledge that this time, Brian won’t let him down when he needs him the most.


End file.
